Why Second-Generation Adults Lead Double Lives: Navigating Cultural Expectations and Personal Identity | Therapist in Oakland
As a therapist in Oakland, I often work with second-generation adults—those with parents who immigrated to the U.S. Let's explore what it means to live between two cultures and how this unique experience shapes identity.
Let’s start with defining what I mean when I use the term “second-generation” throughout this blog. The term “second-generation” means any adult with one or more parents who were born outside of the U.S. Sometimes, the term “second-generation” is used interchangeably with “first-generation,” but I will use “second-generation” throughout to indicate an adult child of immigrants.
The Diversity of Second-Generation Stories
Of course, not all second-generation experiences are equal. There is so much variation and diversity in migration experiences—both what led to your parents leaving, their migration journey, how they were received by their new host country, and how they managed to start a new life. There are so many questions that can be asked to better understand your family’s particular migration story.
Did your family leave their home country in search of economic opportunity? Were they fleeing war or seeking safety from other threats to their personal safety? Which country or countries did your parents come from, and where in the U.S. did they arrive and start anew? What is their race and ethnicity? What year did your family immigrate, and what was the political climate in their home country and the U.S. at the time? Were your siblings born in your parents’ home country? Were they able to learn their host country’s new language (if they didn’t have prior knowledge of English), and were they able to communicate in English when you were a child? Were they welcomed or seen as having something of value to offer, or were they scorned or treated badly because they were seen as “bad” immigrants? How have anti-immigrant policies or structural oppression impacted them and you as a result?
There can be variation in the barriers and opportunities presented to different immigrant groups based on the answers to these questions. These are just some examples of what may have shaped your experience as a second-generation adult. While there is much diversity amongst family migration stories, I have highlighted some similarities across many second-generation adults raised in the U.S below. Some of the connections I make may fit for you and some may not. As a therapist in Oakland, I can help you explore your family’s unique migration stories and your relationship to your multiple heritages.
Navigating Two Cultures: The Tension Between Collectivism and Individualism | A Therapist in Oakland’s Perspective
Let’s assume you come from two cultures; one is more collectivist (focus on community and how everyone is interconnected), and the other more individualistic (values independence and personal growth). It’s possible that you identify more strongly with one of the cultures and possibly even reject the other. Or you may be working hard to hold both cultural value systems within you, and reconciling the differences has been a struggle. Therapy in Oakland can help you explore the tension you may feel that comes with straddling multiple cultures.
Many second-generation adults have spent much of their lives trying to live up to their parents’ expectations. Adult children of immigrants are often under intense pressure to conform to their immigrant parents’ expectations, which often emphasize academic achievement, hard work, and preserving their culture—and on a prescribed timeline! You have understood along the way that your parents see your achievements as a reflection of their sacrifices and their hopes and dreams for the next generation.
The Conflict Between Parental Expectations and Personal Desires: Here’s What an Oakland Therapist Wants You to Know
It’s not uncommon for the values of second-generation adults to diverge from their parents’ traditional values. Wanting your parents to feel proud of you and truly accept and love you is not unique to children of immigrants. What is unique is the bind many multicultural adult children face—intense pressure to meet high parental expectations while at the same time a desire to forge their own identity. The result is feeling a deep internal conflict about how to honor your parents and their sacrifices while pursuing your own path in life. How do you reconcile opposing values or balance personal expression with being loyal to your family? And how do you do this without being saddled by guilt or denying or suppressing a part of yourself along the way? As a therapist in Oakland who specializes in mixed identities, we will explore how you have navigated any internal conflict you feel and identify your values and what matters most to you.
Why Do We Lead Double Lives? The Hidden Struggles of Second-Generation Adults: An Oakland Therapist Explains
Second-generation adults often feel they have to hide some or all of their “true” selves from their families. You may have figured out early on that secrecy is key to survival, and keeping parts of yourself and your life hidden could have developed into a long-standing pattern you still have today. Somewhere along the way, you may have gotten the message that something about yourself is not acceptable or that being who you are is a problem.
Maybe your parents were not able to understand what you were needing from them and, therefore, unable to meet your emotional needs. Or, perhaps you felt disapproval about some aspect of yourself (e.g., how you wanted to dress, your interests or hobbies, your choice of friends, your feelings about school). Another, more extreme example may be that the focus was entirely on outward appearances or “success” (traditional academic success, pressure to marry and have children, etc.), and anything short of perfect wasn’t good enough. You were not enough.
Because you may not have grown up in a family system where all of you was welcome, you may have decided to hide small and large parts of yourself. Even second-generation adults who may feel close to their families could be hiding significant aspects of their identities, beliefs, and behaviors—like sexual orientation, religious beliefs, feelings on marriage and having children, what you really care about, what you do for fun, how you like to dress, your friends, your partner, your substance use, your tattoos, etc.
The Burden of Expectations and the Consequences of Hiding: Thoughts from an Oakland Therapist
Second-generation adults can feel they must hide lifestyle choices and other aspects of their identities because they may clash with the expectations and cultural values of their immigrant parents, especially if they were raised in a progressive community like Oakland. Even some adults who feel close to their families may be hiding significant aspects of their identities. There is often both spoken and unspoken pressure to conform to high or unrealistic expectations due to feeling indebted to your parents for their sacrifices to give you a “better life.”
Openly diverging from the pressure to conform to what your parents want for you and your life can open you up to judgment, disappointment, conflict, or even rejection and may feel like a betrayal to your family. This is why one solution is for some aspects of you and your identity to go underground. By disguising, concealing, or hiding something about themselves their community would disapprove of, second-gen adults may be successfully protecting themselves from criticism or disappointing their parents. Separating their public and private selves is a form of self-preservation but also comes at the cost of living authentically. The internal divide and secrecy as a survival strategy is isolating and contributes to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and unhappiness.
Meeting Expectations but Feeling Unfulfilled: The Silent Suffering
Sometimes adult children of immigrants luck out, and their values are in alignment with their parents’ cultural values and expectations. They have done what was expected of them—stayed on the path that was prescribed for them—whether it be through education and career choices or adhering to cultural traditions—and this ended up syncing with their own needs and wants. They may feel a great deal of pride and accomplishment in their achievement and success. And there isn’t any internal conflict from being dutiful or meeting familial obligations and expectations.
For others who are outwardly successful and have excelled academically, have a prestigious career, financial wealth, or met other measures determined by their parents’ culture and expectations, they may feel discontent inside. Having done what was expected or asked of them may not be in alignment with their deeper needs and values. They may have hidden their desires from others (and possibly even themselves). Or perhaps they are aware that the career they pursued, the life choices they made, or the way they present themselves doesn't genuinely reflect who they are or what they want from life. The disconnect from living authentically or openly creates resentment, feelings of emptiness, and disconnection from themselves. Therapy in Oakland can help you address the mental health impact on you from meeting expectations while feeling unfulfilled in life.
The Risk of Pursuing an Authentic Life: What an Oakland Therapists Wants You to Know
Those who are aware of their hidden feelings or internal conflict may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to stay the course to be and look like a success, or they are afraid to pursue what they truly want for fear of disappointing their parents and community. Pursuing a more fulfilling and authentic life can be very difficult and risky for second-gen adults who feel conflicted and afraid of what it would mean for them to diverge from their parents’ expectations. Therapy in Oakland could be a supportive space for you to explore what pursuing a more authentic and filling life would mean for you.
The Impact of Cultural Expectations on Mental Health
Despite having done everything "right" according to their family's standards, the pressure to conform can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. Research shows that children of immigrants in the U.S. have nearly two times greater prevalence of psychological distress than their immigrant parents. Therapy can help you reconcile the different parts of your identity. Working with a therapist in Oakland who specializes in anxiety, trauma, and multicultural issues can also help you find practical tips for navigating your double life.
Hi, I’m Lara Clayman, an Experienced Therapist in Oakland, CA
I’m a compassionate therapist in Oakland specializing in anxiety, trauma, and multicultural issues. With a deep understanding of the unique challenges that second-generation adults face, I help clients navigate the complexities of living between two cultures. Whether you’re feeling the weight of your parents' expectations or struggling to reconcile conflicting cultural values, I offer a supportive space to explore your identity, heal from past traumas, and create a more authentic life. If you’re seeking therapy in Oakland for anxiety, trauma, or navigating cultural conflict, please contact me to see if I can be of help.
